Letting Go

You know when you've moved on from someone, when you're finally able to sail away and be your own person again. Its an epiphany. Even though it is actually so hard to let go, there is literally one moment when you can see yourself without them. To me, that is the moment when you can listen to the songs that reminded you of him/her and not feel a knife through your heart or a punch to the gut. When you can listen to "Vanilla Twilight" or any other random song that you had together and actually smile without the pain and anger. No tears shed, no headache, no frown.... just a smile. That smile symbolizes the fact that you can look past all of the crap from the past and see the good memories. It is in the one moment that you can finally begin to look again.... or rather... open yourself up to be found again.

The one hard part is... letting them move on as well. Its always easiest to say you're going to do "you're own thing" but you're never entirely happy about letting them do their own thing as well. Its not fair to either one of you and that is why the awkwardly long break up exists. Has there ever been a clean break-up? There's always this awkward dance between two people and a crap load of crappy emotions. I don't blame a single person for having a ridiculous break up that is almost impossible to end. To me the word break-up is just that... its a break that isn't clean... its jagged and hurts both people.

Emotional

I believe it is far better to be very emotional than to be unemotional. To never experience true, desperate emotion seems like a miserable life to live. Some have said I am too emotional, that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. What if I want my emotions on my sleeve? What if I want everyone to see right through me because I don't care if they see who I really am? I have nothing to hide and I believe that, to some, emotion can be seen as a strength. Emotional awareness is an admirable trait as far as I'm concerned. I want an intense connection with those in my life and, without emotion and support, this seems impossible. If you can't handle tears, hugs, smiles, screams, laughs, or kisses than I don't think you can handle being a part of my life.

So whether its sleeves, scarves, hats, shoes, kneepads, jewelry or bags, I plan on wearing my emotions wherever I want to. Pockets are the last place you'll find my feelings and I'm proud of it.

Everything Feels Like the End

Everything feels like the end of the world when you're young. I'm not one to say that I know what its like to be older (I'm 20 so what do I know?) but I do know that its easy to get wrapped up in the little things. Its unbelievably easy to overreact to the simplest situations.

Ever looked back at a situation and seen it much clearer after the fact? This happened to me and made me realize that its time for me to relax and take a few steps back from my life. A person can get way too caught up in everyday life and stressors. It makes it impossible to realize that in the long run things will be OK. This concept felt so foreign to me but it took just a few events to snap me out of this stressful state I was stuck in.

It is completely acceptable to take things seriously and to consider them important to life, but when do people take it too far? This is different for everyone, but to me, I believe it is when people lose sight of the bigger picture. When an individual can no longer understand that a single fight, an injury, or an exam will not destroy their life as they know it, they have forgotten to take pleasure in the simple things. They have given into the pressures of life, and there is no end to that spiral, unless there is an event to snap them out. It can be disguised as just another stressor but it takes something personal, something that hits home, to make one see there is so much more beyond the little bubble they have created for themselves. My advice: let things bring happiness to you, and trim the negatives out of your life. The bigger picture during any time in your life is far more enjoyable than the holes you will dig yourself into. Would you rather see the world or dirt walls?

Keep Your Word Through Your Actions

There's nothing more frustrating than a person who can't keep their word. People who say something but do something completely different. Those who want to never hurt you but do without thinking.

How are you supposed to react? What sort of emotion are you supposed to feel when you know you've just been let down? I'm under the impression that maybe you can't control it, maybe you just have to accept that there are people who go back on their word. But how are you supposed to be cool with that???? Why should you have to lower your expectations of people?

I don't want to think anything less of people in my past, present, or future. I don't want to stand by and watch someone get hurt and walked all over in the exact same way that I was. But I guess what I want doesn't exactly matter does it? People will take advantage of others' vulnerability. People will always forget to think about what their actions can do to those that have meant and will mean something to them.

Take A Step Back

Have you ever taken a step back to look at those around you? Have you ever tried to see them as just "people" instead of who they are to YOU? Take a look and you'll be surprised what you see....

Those individuals that stand out the most to me are my family. My mother, father and brother. I see them in a totally different light than anyone else does, but its interesting to step back and look at them outside of that light. Really see them for the person that they are.

My mother is my best friend but I can see her for so much more. She is strong, rarely vulnerable, but when she is she is beautiful. She has an energy about her that I believe anyone can feel, not just me. She tries to be as funny as me, and fails, but will never accept it. Instead, she'll laugh at herself and say she's funny anyway. Her hands are so soft, I like to think this is because she's so genuine and caring about those in her life. Those hands were made for it. Her eyes can see through all my bullshit and at the same time accept me and anyone else for who they truly are. She doesn't like to speak in front of a lot of people but when she speaks its inspirational. I am proud to be related to her... but even prouder to know her the way I do. It would be easy to just have a mother, but instead we have chosen to be best friends and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My dad is the guy with a twinkle in his eye. He's got the smile that makes you love life no matter what could be happening around you. The world could be crumbling but if he's looking at you, you'fe fine, in fact... much better than fine. The way he cares for my friends, even the moment he first meets them, is incredible. He'll take care of anyone that means anything to him until the end of the earth. He's the guy that's always outdoors. His appreciation for being a part of something bigger is unreal. I have come to understand that all people are part of nature and that we must live within and..... ENJOY IT. He taught me that. Its the simple things with my dad. He can find appreciation in anything, and at the same time, can endure and perservere unlike anyone I know.

My brother is the person I want to be a lot of the time. People say we're a lot alike.... I hope so. He's got an incredible life that is always filled with epic things to do. While he's off doing unexplainably fun things, he's still able to be the "doer." His grades are amazing and he is always an imperitive member in everything he's involved in. My brother is THE MAN in my eyes. His humor never fails to make me laugh and his hugs aren't anything like the ones I can get from anyone else. His hugs make me melt, even if they're seconds long. I still get so excited to see him, even when I've grown up with him for almost 20 years now. Beyond his amazing style, he has a "coolness" about him. The way he carries himself, his selflessness, and his unintentional amazing impact on everyone around him, makes him who he is. My brother is the guy you want to at least get a chance to know, he's the guy that I get to call my brother. I'm more proud of that than I ever thought I would be.

There's an incredible amount of things I wish I could continue to say about them. I could on endlessly about them as people. But taking a step back, and seeing my family for who they really are, has made me realize how lucky I am to have them as my family. See the people in your life as individuals, but take pride in who they are to you..........

Fingerprint

I learned something today. Something very unexpected that I didn't think I would learn. I think that's the way its supposed to be. When you learn something new, it should make an impact...... and often times the only way that can happen is if it randomly hits you. If you expect to learn something.... would you actually be learning something new?

The lesson fits perfectly in a quote I heard......... "your fingerprint doesn't get dull from the lives you've touched." So that got me thinking, is that true for everyone? Do people continue to touch people through out there lives? To me...... that's a very easy answer. OBVIOUSLY.

It might be sad, but one way to measure this is how many people feel the ripples of your own death. How many individuals will be impacted by the loss of you???? You cannot easily answer this, but its interesting to think about. The people of your past and of your present will feel it. So you have to ask yourself........ Will that be a lot of people or none at all?

So what did I learn? Touching peoples' lives makes living great. The only way to touch people is to intertwine your lives. The only way to create a web of friendships and loved ones is to touch those around you and those who you've never met before. Living should be far better than bareable, it should be amazing. People who mean the world to you, and who you mean the world to, make it amazing........ so never let your fingerprint dull.

DO..... not GO

I recently went to a speaker that talked about traveling and becoming a traveler. In his most meaningful quote of the presentation he said "choose where you want to go, not by where you know you want to go, but by what you want to do." This was confusing at first but makes a lot of sense to me now.

It is difficult to find time to travel but I think this same quote goes for everyday life. The path that you choose through out life and through out your day directly relates to what you actually want to DO not were you want to GO. So decide what you want to do and well..... do it (where ever that may be). It is important to set a path that has meaning to you personally, not to those around you or what you are "supposed" to be doing. Proving you can get somewhere in your life to others does absolutely nothing for you, it only makes your life more out of control..... that is, more out of your control.

Ultimately.... life is what YOU want to DO and only what YOU want to DO. So take initiative and decide what it is that you want to do in life or even tomorrow afternoon and let that dictate where it is you're going in life.

DiFFerREntTTT

It is incredible how being and feeling so different from those around you makes you embrace your "differentness" even more. Some very important people just told me guys see all girls as the exact same person... like they're one in the same. So this would then mean that if one person could catch their eye, that one person who could maybe make them look twice, then that person would have to be different. That these guys would be attracted to someone who chooses to be different. Because its important to make an impact right? Blending in seems boring and "so last year," but am I right in assuming this? Is it actually true that being that one neon chick in the crowd of browns and blacks is the right thing to be doing?................. yup. plain and simple. Embrace being different. One might get a lot of strange looks and questionable reactions but in the end, after its all said and done, that neon chick is going to feel proud of standing out. and maybe, just maybe, she could get others to follow. The one guy dressed in plaid with the wavy, messed up hair and some fresh sneaker game will find her too... at least, that's what she's hoping for...................

So is that chick you?

Photography

Random Suggestions

1. Don't live in the past but be a reflective person. Don't be afraid to look back at the past and use it for the future.

2. Open your eyes to the world or you will never be able to see...

3. Don't shy away from being yourself. Be proud to be different from those who think they are everything.

4. Ask questions because it is the only way you will get answers.

5. This is a question but... have you ever wondered if someone thinks you're as cool as you think they are?

6. Most days have no impact on the human life but that doesn't mean you shouldn't pay attention.

Yourself--------> How You Define It

I believe that when you meet someone new, you are forced to define who you are... and that isn't a bad thing. meeting new people helps you realize and discover who you are exactly.

After meeting so many people abroad, I have found that you must pick and choose what you want them to know about you. What is it that you can tell them that will give them a perfect sense of who you are? Will you choose to share your love for sports, music, outdoors, etc? or will you talk about your family or the place you come from?

Can you portray yourself in just a few sentences? How do you define yourself within a first impression?

Goodbye?

I don’t have much to say other than something about goodbyes. I thought that the more times I would have to say goodbye, the easier it would get. I believe that’s true to a certain extent but why do I still get sick and nervous to say goodbye? Is it because I hate the goodbye or is it because I dread the” in between life” that I live while I travel? I think it is because I hate being neither the girl from school nor the girl from her hometown. This messes with me and I find it hard to deal with.

I was just telling my best friend that most people find it very difficult to be one person while living essentially two lives. I noticed, more on this break than any other, that people change dramatically. They not only change dramatically over time, but also going between situations. I myself have found this difficult but I think I have found a sort of synergy between my two selves. This took me a long time and I can tell that many people around me have yet to be able to do this. So with people having difficulty with this, do I have to say goodbye to the people that I knew and say hello to the different people that have now taken over? Am I expected to accept that people have two personas or should I be frustrated?

Personally, I am frustrated. A friend of mine lives by the statement “To thine own self be true.” Anyone should and must stay true to this statement in every situation and scenario they face. If they don’t, they are fake to me and do not know who they are. To me, that is no life to live. So… moral of the story, you may live two lives but you must merge the two in order to gain a harmony of self. Living an “in between life” every few weeks or months may be difficult but it is so worth it if you can have the opportunities to see and experience entirely new things. This makes the goodbyes tolerable. They won’t ever become easy, but they will become doable and that’s all I can ask for.

Stories Never Told

While I’m flying home I think about all the different stories that I see in people. I always wonder where people are coming from and where they are going. Are they on their way back from somewhere or are they leaving to go somewhere? Is it business, pleasure, or holidays?

All I know is that I’m a volleyball player flying from RI to the beautiful CO for Thanksgiving. This raises a question for me. When I fly I feel in between lives. I have a life and a home in RI but my real home has been CO for 18 years. I live two lives. Is it like that for most college kids? Or do most leave behind their previous life and begin an entirely new one? Do they leave behind everything in hopes of finding something different? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on completely from the past. The past holds my CO family and friends. That was my life and, to me, it still is.

But back to the people I see while I’m traveling from point A to point B. You wonder what their story is but why don’t I ever ask? I’m curious about people and want to get to know ‘em. Are they business people just on the job or are they traveling to go kick it on a beach somewhere? Or for that matter, are they going to tear it up on the slopes of some world class mountain? Could it be sports taking them somewhere or the death of a family member? So many paths cross and so many stories go untold. You can people watch easily while sitting in an airport, like I am right now, but I’ll never know the stories of the two children playing across the aisle from me or the elderly woman with the sweet smile. To me each person is not just that. They are their own story that is waiting to be learned by someone who cares… someone who will mean something to that person holding the story.

We Own The Sky

I woke up this morning and felt like I just had to listen to this song. It gives me perspective and makes life seem so simple.

I don't have to care about anything when I listen to this song. It puts a positive spin on things even when things may seem terrible.

The Views are Epic

I'm about a week away from going home to my home state of CO and all I can think about at this moment is the mountains. I'm thinking of my friends and family of course but the more time I spend away from Colorado, the more I think about what makes the state so much better than everywhere else to me. CO is unique for its mountains compared to the "ocean state" that I'm living in right now.

I'm picturing the views that I have had the privilege to see. I try to tell my friends here about the mountains but most can't imagine what its like to be on top of a fourteen thousand foot peak. Its the view that makes life epic. You can see life from every direction. I can see life from above yet there's so much more above me. The views from the "fourteeners" that I have climbed really keep things in perspective. From these views, I stay grounded. I know my place in nature and I know that there's so much more to life. Beyond my personal experiences, lies a world full of peaks that I can't wait to climb because the views are my rewards.

PuZZles

Why is it that some things just don't fit? How come someone or something can just fit perfectly but then another just doesn't? This kind of brought me to the idea that people are puzzles. I'm trying to think of what my puzzle might end up looking like by the end of my life... or even what it's supposed to look like right now. What's the picture supposed to be? Should the puzzle be you made up of tons of things in your life or should the puzzle be of something else that you just fit within?

Am I am bunch of pieces that I'm expected to find as i move through life? or am I an entire piece that will fit into another's life? I think its both. I am finding who I am everyday, especially these past few years being on my own, but I also believe that I will fit into many other peoples' lives. Where will you fit and with whom will you fit? With what situations and places will you find the jagged edge that matches your own jagged edges?

Laugh at Yourself

You wanna know what I think is an epic fail? and one that I do quite often? I believe that an epic fail in everyday life is when an individual has to explain their joke. It sounds simple but I'm sure everyone who is reading this and probably everyone in the world has had to explain their joke... basically realizing that their joke was really lame and not funny at all. I've done this too many times to count and I got to experience the embarrassment of knowing that I had just attempted to tell a joke (that in my head was hilarious) and it failed miserably today. I can't share this joke with you because I feel like I've turned red enough today. So instead, I tell myself that my jokes are simply just way above everyone else's heads. This tends to make me feels better.

I think I get this from my mom. By this, I mean the whole idea of thinking that I'm super funny when in reality most of my jokes are pretty lame. She always says "I crack myself up" and I always respond "so does that mean I should be laughing?" I've always thought that she and I make a pretty good comedy team. We might struggle a bit on our own but we kill it when we're together. This goes for my best friends back at home too. They're pretty good comedians on their own but once we all get going, the humor flies. Trust me.

Just do me a favor guys... find humor in having to explain your own jokes. it may be embarrassing but its pretty awesome if you can laugh at yourself.

Music that leads somewhere...

So today I got to thinking about my childhood and how music can bring me back to those days. I returned to the days of dancing around the campfire and climbing peaks simply from listening to an epic song like "Free Fallin'" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. The fact that music can lead me somewhere is inspiring; it can bring me down a path that doesn't necessarily just lead to the past... it points to the future too. I find myself within music and lost without it.

Music that can make me think is the epitome of all music. I'm willing to just lay back in a car and look out at the stars all night listening to one artist or song if I can have those few hours of calm to think. Music is both a release and a catalyst. It sturs up memories and thoughts that I have been trying to hide or put behind me, lets me take out my anger or sadness on something rather than someone, helps bring me back down to earth when things get to be too much and it allows for new thoughts and ideas to flow. I doubt I would be the person I am today without it. Bottom line... music is incredibely epic.

Liking?

Tonight I saw one of my very close friends get her heart broken. I don't believe that "love" is a little thing nor do I believe that "like" is a little thing. Liking someone can mean the world will fall apart if that person lets you down. Liking someone is allowing them to get to know you. You let your guard down and put down your wall just to give them a glimpse of who you might be. Liking someone is a small but epic step towards possibly finding that person for you.

It may sound a bit dramatic but I believe it. That one hope of finding someone perfect for you is one of the most important drives in any one person's life. A wise person and friend once told me that "you can't go through life without others, whether it be friends, family, or a relationship." Love is impossible to overcome, and the bystanders have to fall victim to those who can't move on. Family and friends are very important to one's life, but it is the person perfect for us that becomes the key to our very existence. That person can't be found at any moment, it must be the time for that special someone to enter our lives to fall in love. But who says that once you fall in love that that's the one? There are to be many crushes and many loves in the lifespan of this one beautiful young lady, and for any other person, but this is only possible if you put yourself out there. Whether you get hurt or find happiness at any second in your life, you can't live without allowing yourself to.

The Art of Being DJ Jazzy Jeff

This is the first thing that I can share with you that I believe is epic. It is from this past Halloween. I find it important to show exactly who you are at Halloween since most people find it difficult to share in regular situations. I go by DJ Jazzy Jeff to most of my friends here at school, making it necessary that I dress as DJ Jazzy Jeff. Check it out. I think we're practically identical.